The Grass is Always Greener
by broadwaygirl257
Summary: What if Erik and Raoul made a bet on who could last the longest in each other's shoes? Erik becomes the Vicomte and Christine's husband for a day, and Raoul becomes the Phantom of the Opera! Who will cave in first? Funny story! COMPLETED Aug. 22, 2005
1. Chapter 1

The Grass is Always Greener

Author's Note: Hello everyone! This is my latest story, it's (supposed :) to be funny, and is just a result of too much sugar, caffine and me being hyper. Even though it's set in 1870, there will be a lot of modern day language and objects in it. And some Raoul bashing.Hope you will enjoy it anyway! Read and review, but please, no flames, this is only meant to be funny.

Summary: What if Erik and Raoul made a bet on who could last the longest in each other's lifestyle? Erik becomes the Vicomte de Changy and Christine's husband for a day, and Raoul becomes the Phantom of the Opera! Who will cave in first? (Hopefully) funny story, please read and review!

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Erik sat in his favorite armchair in his lair. One year had passed since the chandelier crash and _Don Juan_. One year ago, he let Christine run off with that Vicomte, and had never heard from themagain. Erik had stayed away from his lair for a few weeks after the chandelier crash. Luckily, the managers had the opera house repaired and up and running in a few months time, and Erik had settled back into his lair, after putting up some new booby traps.Evantually, he had found a new obsession to help him get over Christine dumping him: crossword puzzles. He devored them, and did at least ten a day. Mme. Giry bought him dozens of crossword puzzle books to keep him occupied.

He was working on a particuarily tough one right now. "Let's see, I need a five letter word for a fop" he muttered. A splash at the end of the lake's gate made him look up. Raoul de Changy was standing there, motioning forErik to let him in"Ahh, Raoul! That will fit nicly in the puzzle for a five letter word for a fop." he said. He paused to write it down, wondering if he spelled it right, when he suddenly noticed that his enemy was standing at his gate. He threw the book onto the ground and stood up, looking towards the gate. "de Changy! What do you want? And how the hell did you get past all my new booby traps?" he asked

" Once you already survived 'em, it's not all that hard to do it again." Raoul said. "Can you let me in? I'm dying to talk to someone other than my wife"

At the mention of Christine, Erik scowled "You already stole the love of my life.What else do ya want?" he asked

"I just need to get a few things off my chest, then I'll be on my way, I promise" Raoul said

Erik sighed and reluctantly opened the gate, letting Raoul in. Raoul strode up through the water, and pulled up a chair besides Erik. He noticed Raoul had brought a six pack of beer with him.

"What's that for?" Erik asked

Raoul looked at him stupidly "To water the plants with! What do ya think it's for?" he asked

Erik smiled menicingly at him "If you think I'm terrifying now, wait till ya see me when I'm drunk" he said

Raoul laughed and took out two cans and tossed one to Erik., who drank it in a few gulps. Raoul punched him on the arm "Hey! Guessing ya don't get drunk that often being a Phantom, do ya?"

Erik looked at him "Don't touch me." he said

After a few more drinks, a very intoxicated Raoul started speaking. "God, I can't stand her!" he said

"Who?"

"Christine! She driving me nuts! All she thinks about is cooking and cleaning and homemaking! She's obsessed with being a perfect housewife! She's already completley redocorated the bedroom with flowered wallpaper,vanity dressers,a lacey canopy bed, and now she wants me to go on a low carb diet with her because she thinks she's fat!" he said

Erik looked at him, and after loudly belching said "Hey dude, at least you got a wife. All I got is at least a million crossword puzzle books, an organ, my reputation s an Opera Ghost,and a mannequin of Christine that I built myself and practice cheesy small talk lines and kissing on it." he said

Raoul looked at him oddly "Yeah? I just practiced my small talk lines in front of a mirror, but then I got distracted by how handsome I am and just ended up starring at it."

Erik sighed "I don't look at mirrors much. They depress me, although, there is a two way mirror in the ballet girl's dressing room that I look through a lot. Some of those girls look better than they think they do" Erik said, slightly chuckling

" Really?"

"Yeah" Erik said. After a few more gulps of beer, he looked at Raoul "Why are we telling each other this ? Weren't we talking about something else?" he asked

Raoul looked confused for a moment, then said "Oh yeah! Christine! Let me tell ya, her looks and her voice are all she's got going for her!She is so sensitive!"

Erik looked at him "Come on, Raoul, she can't be _that_ bad!" he said

Raoul looked at him "Oh yeah? She tortured me with six hours of _Titanic_, _Gone with the Wind_, _Casablanca_, and every other stupid, sad romantic movie ever made, and she cried through every one! Then, we were getting dressed for dinner, and she was worried her dress made her look fat. So, she asks me, I tell her no, it doesn't and she begs me to be honest with her and tell her the truth, so I told yes, and she cried some more. Then, she got mad, and refused to go to dinner, and I had to cancel fifty dollar dinner reservations. After that, I had to try on about a thousand itchy sweaters she knitted herself for me, and I had a rash the rest of the night!" he said "And, you should see how she's decorating the house! All these fluffy, lacy pillows everywhere, a bunch of Carebear dolls on every piece of furniture we own, and these weird modern art sculptures! And, her room is completley filled with makeup. Well, actually, I don't mind it that much, because I use her concealers and mosturizers to give my face a beautiful, healthy glow."

Erik stared at him "Good god, it can't be that bad!" he said, unbelievingly

Raoul stared at him "Oh yeah? Three words: No football allowed"

Erik sputtered out his beer "No! You poor boy! How horrible is it?" he asked. Even though Erik was a multitalented genius who was shunned into solitude from the rest of the world and lived five stories underground, it didn't mean he didn't like watching football games, and he prided him self on never missing a superbowl.

"Horrible. Christine believe football's too violent and unsensitive for me too watch, so she used those parental controls and blocked every sports channel available on cable, using a password only she knows. I've tried everything and I still can't unblock it!" he said. Erik suggested a few words

"Music?"

"Nope, tried it."

"Angel?"

"Tried it"

"Phantom?"

"Tried it"

" I love Erik naked?"

Raoul glared at him "Tried _that _even. Nope, nothing."

Erik looked stunned "Damn" he said.

Raoul gulped down his second can of beer "Yeah. You know, you got a pretty sweet deal going on here. All alone, 24/7, with a T.V. that you can watch football on, you're a musical genius and you can look at naked ballet rats any time you wanna!" he said, causing Erik to turn beet red.

"Don't you ever tell Madame Giry this, but Meg is so damn hot, especially when she's in those skimpy little chorus girl outfits, like they wore in_ Hannibal_."

They drank a few more beers, and after a while, Erik said "Ya know, your life can't be that bad. I mean, come on! You're like a millionaire, you got the most beautiful girl in Paris as your wife (as annoying as she might be) and you have a perfectly normal, not deformed face that you don't have to hide behind a mask"

Raoul looked up at him "By the way, there's something I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while." he said

"Shoot"

"How the hell do you sing through that mask?" he asked

Erik looked at him "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Say" he said, brightening "Maybe I should tell you"

Finally, Erik said " My life ain't that sweet a deal, though. I live five stories underground, in tortorous isolation for the rest of humanity, without anyone to keep to save me from my solitude. I wish I had a friend"

Raoul looked at him with puppy dog eyes "I'm here, friend" he said, putting his arm around Erik's shoulder

Erik looked at him " I already said don't touch me, unless you have a death wish" Raoul removed his arm from Erik's shoulder." And I said I wanted a friend, not a fop"

"Hey!"

"Let's face it, you are what you are" he said "And why did you come down here to talk to me when you know I want to kill you?"

Raoul sighed "You're the only guy I could think of. The only people I talk to anymore are Christine, servants, and a few males in some once a month marriage retreat." he said

"Wow" Erik said

Raoul looked at him queerly "By the way, where do you go to the bathroom?" he asked

Erik stole a quick glance at the lake " You don't wanna know" he said

Raoul suddenly conscious of the fact he had swam through the lake went "Oh, that is so sick!"

When Erik and Raoul finished drinking, Erik said "Say, which of our lives do you think is more horrible?"

Raoul said "Mine is"

"No, mine is!"

"No, mine is!"

"No, mine is!"

"Mine is!"

Erik suddenly brightened " I know. Why don't we see for ourselves whose life is more horrible?"

Raoul looked at him "Huh?" he asked

Erik said "Since we can't decide, let's switch places. I'll live with Christine and act as the Vicomte for twenty four hours, and you live down here for twenty four hours, and only leave to do evil Phantom-y things" he said

Raoul looked at him sinisterly "Say, that's a good idea. But, why don't we make it interesting. Let's bet on it. Whoever cracks first and lasts the least amount of time in each other's lifestyle has to pay the winner one hundred francs!"

Erik shook his hand "You're on Raoul!" he said. With that, Erik ripped off his mask and cloak and handed it to Raoul "Remember, Vicomte, I have a rep to protect. I don't want everyone thinking of me as some harmless, prissy man" he said as he grabbed his boat and the oar, and began to leave his lair.

Raoul scowled and said "O.K. But remember, Christine's a handful!"

Raoul sat down, put on the mask and cape and finished the remainder of his beer, while Erik rowed away to his new position as the Vicomte de Changy, a.k.a. Christine's husband. Both of them confident that the other would crack first. After all, how hard could it be?

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A/N : Funny? Stupid? Whatever it is, PLEASE review! I LOVE reviews! 


	2. Chapter 2

The Grass is Always Greener

Chapter 2: How Erik Almost Got Strangled for Interrupting a Poker Game

Author's Note : Hey everyone! Just wanted to say that this is going to a very short fanfic, with only about 5 or 6 chaps, because I wanna get started on an Erik/ Meg romantic, fluffy fic before hell ( I mean school ) starts:) But, each chap will be very long, so it will kinda even out. Also, I'm not really posting replys to my reviews because 1) I'm feeling lazy and 2) I doon't really have that many reviews to reply to. But, here is my reply to all my much appreciated reviews: Thanks to everyone that dropped a review, hope you like this chap and hope it's funny!

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Disclaimer: Me claiming to own POTO is like claiming Gerry Butler is sitting right next to me singing PONR in my ear while I'm writing this. Or is he? -purrr-

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Erik left the lair, now feeling very confidant. This time tommorow, he would be one hundred francs richer. Raoul would never survive one hour as the Phantom! He confidantly strode through a few tunnel ways, until he reached Mme. Giry's apartment. He swung the door open, revealing Mme. Giry, Meg, and Carlotta deeply involved in a poker game,causing them all to turn and stare at him. Mme. Giry threw down a winning hand and said to Carlotta " Haha, four kings! Pay up, you Italian pig!" before she even noticed Erik standing there. But, she did as soon as Meg screamed instinctivly "HE'S HERE, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! AHHHH!", and as soon as she regained her hearing, Mme. Giry snapped "Yes, Meg, maybe because I'm the only stinkin' person in the world he pays visits to. Unfortunatly, he does it when I AM WINNING AT POKER!" she said. " And this better not be about some stupid crossword puzzle book again." Erik sighed, blowing some hair off his face, and continued "Well, excuse me for living." he said "Hey cool, poker! I haven't played a game in years! Can I join in?" he asked

"No! This is a girl's night out, which you are currently ruining!" said Meg

Erik walked over to the table, grabbed a handful of Cheetos from the bag, stuffing his mouth full, and asked "You guys have a girl's night out?"

Mme. Giry looked at him "Yes Erik, we do. Just because I'm a strict, nagging ballet instructer, Meg's a wimpy, ballet brat and Carlotta is a horrid singer who thinks she's hot stuff, it doesn't mean that'sall we do 24/7. We do have social lives and dates." she said

Erik looked around expectantly "So, where _are_ your dates?" he asked.

Meg sighed "They blew us off for some young, pretty chorus girls that practically threw themselves at our dates. And mine called me a baby 'cause I'm still living with my mother, who's just about my best friend" Meg said, looking like she was going to cry. Madame Giry reached over, stroking her hair, and trying to sneak a peek at her cards whilesaying "It's okay, honey. Those boys were just bad. You're lovely, just the way you are. You don't need any nasty boys"

Erik was a bit freaked out by now, but he regained his composure "Okay. Hmm. Anyways, where can I get some money for a taxi?"

Carlotta turned and stared at him "What the hell does an opera ghost need a taxi for?" she asked in her barely understandable accent. "Well, not like it's any of your beeswax, but I made a bet." he said

Mme. Giry looked at him "With who, and how much did you lose? I can't keep giving you money forever Erik, you need to learn the value of a dollar (or in this case, a franc)."

Erik turned beat red " I didn't lose a bet. I just made it . And it's with the Vicomte. We bet one hundred francs on who could spend the longest amount of time in each other's lifestyles" he said proudly "And I'm going to win it" he said confidantly

"Says who?" asked Meg

Erik glared at her "Well for one, Raoul won't last one hour as the Phantom of the Opera."

Carlotta snarled and asked "Why? Because he isn't some freaky maniac that goes around dropping backgrounds on innocent, unsuspecting people. You know, I still haven't forgiven you for that. You could have permanintly damaged my lovely voice" she said

Erik pulled up a chair and sat down." You mean your horrid, screeching voice wasn't damaged before I did that? Damn. In case no one told you, your voice sounds like two cats fighting and screeching. No wait, that sounds better than your voice. Your-"

"Can we please get to the point here?" interrupted Mme. Giry impatiently, who was anxious to get back to the poker game that had been schdeuled for weeks.

"O.K." Erik said " Carlotta's hideous voice aside, three main reasons Raoul won't last a day as the Opera Ghost

1: He has no mirrors down there to admire himself in.

2: He has to cover part of his pretty boy face with a mask and

3: There are no mosturizers or concealers down there to give Raoul's face a healthy, foppish glow. Wait a minute, if there are concealers and cover ups available, why didn't a genius like me just put some on my deformity, and act like a normal man. Oh crap, I can't believe-"

"Can we get back to the point?" asked Meg

Erik scowled "Damnit, are all you women so impatient?A great story can't be rushed!"

"Erik" Mme. Giry interjected "This isn't that great of a story, so hurry up because Carlotta needs to PAY UP!" she said

Erik complyed " Bottom line: I gotta get to the Vicomte's mansion on the other side of Paris, I have no way to get there, and I am not gonna lose this bet!" he said huffily

Meg pulled a few coins out of her pocket and threw them at Erik "Here's your money! Now get your ass outta here so we can play poker!" she said

Erik looked at the coins "Hey, this ain't enough to get me across the street!" he said

Mme. Giry threw her cards down angrily, stood up, and stomped over to Erik "HERE!" she said, stuffing more coins into his hand, and took Erik's punjab lasso out of his pocket and threw it around his neck, tightening it. "Now if you wanna leave in one piece, take your stinkin' money and GET OUT!" she said, releasing him. Erik took the money and left, rubbing his bruised neck and gasping for air while thinking "Crap, I think I'm starting to rub off on that woman"


	3. Chapter 3

The Grass is Always Greener

Chapter 3: Erik's Day as the Vicomte (A.K.A. Erik's Day in a Living Hell)

Author's Note: Hello people! I'm in a very giddy mood, so this chap will probably be one of the either stupidest of funniest chaps I've written, you guys decide, and let me know what you decided by REVIEWING! Also, sorry if Christine is too nagging or over emotional too much in this chap, couldn't be helped :) ! And, please forgive any mistakes in this chap, I was kind ofrushed when I was writing it.

To: **jeevesandwooster **: Hey thanks! Glad that you thought it was funny! Hope you'll like this chap!

To: **SoniaM2005**: Yeah, haha, the update comment was _so_ funny. :)Anyway, thanks for the nice review! Hope you like this chap!

To: **Mominator124**: Glad you liked how Mme. Giry turned the tables on Erik (For once :) Hope you find the twists and surprises I have in store to your liking! Thanks for reviewing!

To: **PhantomLover05**: Hey! Thanks! Hope you like!

To:**Kitsune Blade**: Okay, I'mtrying to avoid the "wooden spoon of doom" (whatever the heck that is ?), so I updated. Thanks for the review, hope you like!

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Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own it. But I _do _own a Phantom of the Opera piano book and I can play all the songs in it! Come on, doesn't that count for _something_?

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Erik got out of the taxi and looked around. God, this place was HUGE! How filthy stinkin' rich was the Vicomte to have a huge mansion like this? Erik walked inside the door and grinned evilly. 24 hours with a beautiful girl, servants, and a huge house. He hoped Raoul wasn't that dumb that he hadn't figured out that he had agreed to a sucker bet! 

And he couldn't believe the size of this place. Huge marble pillars, a gold, grand staircase, polished marble floors, a chandelier in every room, need he go on? He could get used to this place.

He walked in further down the hallway. Just in time, Christine came running down the hallway, flinging herself into Erik's arms and screaming "Oh Raoul! I was so worried! You left and didn't tell me where you went or who you were with! You could have gotten killed! Or shot! Or run over by a carriage! Or poisoned! Or stabbed! Or-"

Erik put his hand over Christine's mouth, shutting her up. he removed it and said "Uh Christine, in case you haven't noticed , I'm not Raoul" he said, pointing out the obvious.

Christine stared at him in shock, and then flung herself in his arms again and said "Oh, my angel! You've returned! Wait a minute.. ANGEL!" she said. She broke away from him, and right on cue, instantly started singing:

Angel of music  
Guide and guardian  
Grant to me your glory

Angel of music  
Hide no longer  
Come to me  
Strange angel!

Christine stopped singing and looked confused for a moment. She looked at Erik and said sounding very similar to a dumb blonde** ( A/N O.K., she's a brunette, but her I.Q. could be compared to a dumb blonde's)** "Wait a minute.. If you're my angel, you can't just walk in through the front door! You have to come in through the mirror. Don't worry, Raoul has mirrors all over the place."

Erik looked at her oddly "Christine, you do know that that whole 'Angel of Music' thing was just a hoax to win your affections, right? I'm not really an angel" he said

Christine sank down on the floor "You're not?" she asked, her lower lip heavily quivering,with puppy dog eyes

"No"

The dam broke loose. Christine sobbed uncontrollably, saying in between cries and sobs "But Daddy told me my Angel was real! He was real! Just like Santa! And the Easter Bunny! And the Tooth Fairy!" she sobbed. Erik sank down, hugging her in shock. "Oh boy. Christine, you have got to be kidding me. You cannot be that stupid you actually believe all that stuff really exists, can you?"

Christine stood up "Oh, so now you think I'm stupid?"

Erik could feel he was getting into hot water, so he stood and changed the subject "Uh, ya know, you haven't asked-" when Christine broke in

"WHERE'S RAOUL? OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED? WHY ARE YOU HERE INSTEAD OF RAOUL?" she gasped and looked at him "You kidnapped him, didn't you? Well, FYI, I'm not marrying you, even if you are a hot and sexy angel." she said

Erik took a deep breath "Christine, calm down! I'll explain everything. You see, me and Raoul were talking-"

"Wait a gosh darn minute! You mean Raoul was associating with someone I didn't give him permission to see? Anyone that's going to be near my Raoul-Raoul has to fill out a resume and liability wager first, and he knows that! I can't believe he did that behind my back!" she said huffily

"Anyways, Christine, he was, uh, saying that you and him needed to, um, oh, hell with it: He said you were wrecking his life, I said my life was horrid, and we both thought our lives were more horrible than the others, so we made a bet to see who could last longer in each other's lifestyles without cracking first" Erik said in a rush.

Christine instantly brightened "That's okay. You can take Raoul's place today. We're going to have loads of fun." she said

Erik grinned seductively "Let's start right now" he said, leaning in for a kiss.

Christine pushed him away "Not that kind of fun silly. Here's what we're doing today." she said handing him a To-Do List.

"I have to go get dressed."

Erik looked at the gorgeous silver dress she was wearing and he said "What's wrong with what you're already wearing?" he asked

Christine immediately got defensive "Oh, so just because this is the third dress I've changed into this morning, you think it's ugly, huh? Well, I'm not going out dressed in this old thing. I want something prettier, and I need to change clothes!"

Erik backed down "Okay, so go change"

Christine immediately got upset "Oh, okay, so now you agree that I'm ugly and that this dress just makes me look uglier, huh? Well, what if I don't wanna change? What if I like how I look? Huh?"

Erik was stunned at her. " I don't really care what you do." he said

Christine cried yet again" Great! Now you don't even care about me!" she said

Erik stood there in shock "Christine, what is wrong with you? You never were this moody the whole time I knew you. What the Hell happened?" he said

She looked at him "I was always like this. You just never realized because every time I saw you, I was always singing."

Erik remained speechless.

Christine went skipping up the stairs "I'm going to change. You need to look over that to-do list while I'm gone" she said

Erik went into the living room, threw himself into a chair while saying "It's only for a day, it's only for a day" He decided to look over the to-do list

To-Do Today

**Go shopping w/ Raoul**

**Watch latest romantic comedy at movies w/ Raoul**

**Exercise at Gym w/ Raoul**

**Eat at Buffet w/ Raoul**

**Read latest romance novel aloud w/ Raoul**

**Discuss feelings w/ Raoul**

Erik realized with a sinking heart that every thing written "w/ Raoul" after it,_ he_ was going to have to do today! "God, I need a beer"

Two hours later, Christine came downstairs. By that time, Erik had found Raoul's stash of concealers. Excitedly, he grabbed every one of them, and rushed into the bathroom to try them out. Unfortunately, he didn't read the ingredients, and put on sixteen different types of concealers on his deformity at the same time, which made his face look great... for about five minutes. Afterwards, his face broke out horribly in a rash, which made his deformity look even worse than it did before. He flipped out when he saw it, and ran around screaming, but fortunately covered it up with a spare mask he had on hand. He also tried everything on earth possible to unblock football from the T.V., but it was no use, so he watched a Spanish soap opera until Christine called to him.

She was wearing a pink T-shirt, tight hip-hugger jeans, and flip flops, with mascara, eye shadow, lipstick and blush. Erik looked confused "When were those clothes invented?" he asked. Christine looked ready to cry, and Erik didn't want her to demand to change clothes again, so he hurriedly said "I mean, they must have been invented especially for you, because they look so great, honey" he said.

Christine smiled and wrapped her arm around his waist "Nice save. You know, having you around today instead of Raoul might not be such a bad thing" she said.

Erik smiled "Yeah, you think so?" and swiftly gave her a kiss on the lips, much to her dismay, because it ruined her make up, which she had to take ten more minutes to fix. Little did Erik know his day in Hell was just beginning.

Erik thought that living in complete isolation and solitude from the rest of the world for almost twenty years was hell. God, was he wrong! After about an hour with Christine, he truly knew what hell was, and was totally willing to live completley cut off from civilization for the rest of his life rather than spend another minute where he was. He wanted to run for his lair, but the only thing that swayed him was the thought of losing a bet to Raoul. So, Erik, who had thought himself a complete master at torture, had a lot to learn.

His day began when Christine dragged him into a shopping mall, and immediately headed to a huge department store, where she dragged Erik to the men's section.

Erik looked around. "What are we doing here?"

Christine looked at him stupidly " Buying you some new clothes. I'm sick of you wearing black suits and those low cut ruffle shirts every day. You need a whole new wardrobe buddy"

Erik looked insulted "What's wrong with the way I dress?"

"You look like a fop"

"Hey, that's Raoul, not me. And besides, I wore a red suit to the Masquerade Ball last year!"

"Whatever. Bottom line, you are changing your wardrobe! And I'm helping"

"Christine, you do know I'm only staying for twebty four hours, right?"

She looked insulted "Of course. But while you're there, you're going to dress nicely"

She then proceeded to forcibly drag Erik around the store, throwing misilanious articles ofclothing over his arms.

"Oh Erik, look! This baby-blue shirt looks so cute! Wow, these orange shorts look great!And look here, this pink shirt looks so cute. You know, it takes a real man to wear pink"

Erik groaned "Christine, I've gone through a lot for you. But I am not wearing a pink shirt! Or dressing in bright colors!"

Christine put a pair of pants onto the bundle of clothing and patted Erik's arm "Yes you are dear, let's not argue about it."

"Christine, there isn't one single thing here that's black!"

"So? Oh look Erik! They have some boxer shorts. And there's little music notes on them! Oh, these are so adorable!" she squealed in a high voice

Erik tugged at his collar nervously "Christine, I know they're cute, but I'm not wearing them. They're ridiculous."

Christine lost it "OH,SO NOW MY TASTES IN BOXERS SHORTS ARERIDICOLOUS? YOU ARE SO INSENSITIVE! THEY'RE ADORABLE, AND THESE BOXER SHORTS LOOK ADORABLE ON YOU!"

Erik loudly shushed her "Okay, okay! I'll wear 'em. Please don't start screaming again!" he begged, conscious that everyone in the store was starring at them.

Christine also picked out other things for Erik to wear, including a ton of light colored cotton t-shirts with patterns on them, pastel colored shirts and pants, and tie-dye shirts and shorts. By then, Erik had lost it.

"Tie-dye? TIE-DIE! Christine I have done a lot for you, I've been through hell and back to win your affections, but I draw the line at dressing in tie-die!

Ten minutes later, Erik and Christine left the store, Erik carrying four bags filled with brightly colored cotton t-shirts, bright pastel shirts and pants, six sets of matching tie-die t-shirts and shorts, and four packages of boxer shorts with music notes printed onto them. Erik was a bit annoyed, especially since the bags full of clothing he didn't want weighed a ton, and they weren't even done shopping yet!

After twenty minutes in Bath and Body Works,(a horrid store, in Erik's opinion,) Christine had three new bottles of lotion and perfume, upon which leaving the store, she immediately put some hideous smelling lotion on Erik's hands and unmasked side of his face. He about had a heart attack when he read the label

" Peony? Peony! You put Peony lotion on me! God, even the name reeks! It sounds like you're saying 'pee on me' or something. This stuff smells horrid!"

"Erik! Don't be so dramatic! Read the label, it tells you every thing that's in it."

"'Fresh peony blends with luscious garden rose in this beautiful and feminine interpretation of a classic floral fragrance' Goody, not only does it stink, it's a feminine scent!"

"Erik, stop it! You need to smell like something other than smoke, lake water and candle wax every once in a while! Now come on, we're gonna be late for the movie if we don't hurry up!"

"Gee, what a shame that would be" Erik said, his tone dripping in sarcasm.

Now, Erik had always considered himself to be a mastermind when it came to torturing others. Boy, did he have a lot to learn. There was a whole world of horrible painful torture that Erik never knew existed: chick flicks. Whomever wrote and directed this movie obviously was extremely talented at torturing others. two and a half hours of stupid, cheesy romantic lines, hopelessly romantic situations, and internet dating services. Erik could feel his mind getting numb more and more each minute he sat there. Christine ate a jumbo bucket popcorn, smacking her lips obnoxiously when she chewed some gum, and slurping every time she took a drink from her extra large Coke. she cried and/or laughed every five minutes at a cheesy line or stupid joke. Then, she had to make two bathroom breaks, and was furious when Erik couldn't fill her in on what had happened that he missed because he wasn't paying attention, and was counting the tiles on the ceiling.The ONLY positive thing about it was that he got to sit down, and not have to carry the heavy bags from the department stores.

The second the movie was over, Erik ran from the theater, screaming for joy "IT'S OVER! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU GOD!" until he ran into a wall, and Christine caught up with him, and smacked his arm hard for deserting her like that.

After that, they left the mall, and headed straight to the gym, four blocks away. Erik had to endure two stinkin' hours of treadmills, lifting weights, a yoga class, and an intense aerobics class. His pants legs got caught in the treadmills, throwing him on the floor until he set himself free. Christine couldn't lift more than ten pounds, and when she accidentally dropped a weight on her hand, Erik had to kiss it and her, carry her into the waiting room, and sing "Music of the Night" to her (much to Erik's delight) four times before she calmed down enough to go back in. In the middle of the aerobics class, he fell onto the floor, panting and begging for water. Christine got down beside him

"Erik! Stop being such a drama queen! It's only an intense aerobics class!"

"Can't make it! Go on without me!" Erik said, fighting for breath to speak, until he passed out, and when Erik awoke twenty-five minutes later, class was over much to his delight and Christine's disappointment.

Next, they went out to eat lunch at a cafe, which Erik thought was going to be fun, until the only thing Christine let Erik have from the buffet (since she forced him to go on a low carb diet, the South Beach Diet, and a whole grain diet all at once) was some celery, a few soda crackers, some water, and a carrot for dessert.

They finally returned home at two o clock, and Christine made him read two romance novels with her aloud, discussing their feelings about the characters before starting a new chapter. Erik was ready to either

A) Pull his hair out

B) Strangle Christine

C) Tear both the novels up into tiny pieces or

D) all of the above, when the maid announced that dinner was ready. That was another form of torture. Even though there was a delicious meal in front of him, Erik lost his appetite.

"Erik, I don't think should eat all this."

"Why not?"

"I'll get fat."

"Christine, you're not fat"

"Oh, well who said I was fat? You are so insensitive!"

"What?"

"And you never listen to me either! You don't ever pay attention to me!"

"Yes I do!' Erik said while he was stuffing his face with turkey.

"You haven't visited Raoul and me in over a year!"

"Christine, I'm a deformed musical genius living five stories beneath an opera house, that used to be obsessed with you, and made a mortal enemy out of your husband."

"Didn't mean you couldn't drop by once in a while"

" Can we please change the subject?"

"Great! So now you aren't even interested in what I'm talking about!"

After dinner was over, Erik accompanied Christine to a golf game at the local course, which to Erik sounded like heaven after the day he had been through. Erik was pretty good at golf, and he was planning on getting a golf corse installed in his lair. Unfortunately, Christine wasn't very good at playing golf, and even when Erik showed her how to do it correctly, she still stunk. So, she figured it out when Erik let her win, and refused to speak to him on the drive home, but she made up five minutes after they got into the house by kissing him mercilessly (which was the best thing that happened to Erik that day). Unfortunately, Erik had to watch _Titanic_ while Christine knitted and cried through the whole thing. Erik was ready to strangle himself. The only scene he paid attention to was when Jack drew the portrait of Rose naked, which caused Christine to slap Erik when she noticed what he was doing, and skip to the next scene. after the movie was over, they got ready for bed. Erik slept in the guest room.

As Erik lay in bed that night, he couldn't believe what he had been through. He suddenly realized this was what his life would be like if he had married Christine instead Raoul. He quickly thanked God he wasn't married. e fell asleep that night trying to rejuvenate. He only had to make it until eleven A.M. the next day to win the bet.


	4. Chapter 4

The Grass is Always Greener

Chapter 4: Raoul's Day as the Phantom (A.K.A. Raoul's Day In A Living Hell)

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Author's Note: Hello everybody! I am feeling extremly hyper and stupid right now, so this chap will probably be very funny :). Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chap! I'm wondering: Who do you guys want to win the bet? Erik or Raoul? Please review and let me know! Also, there is a minor _Titanic_ reference in this chap.Can any of you guys find it? If ya can, please R and R and let me know. Hope you like this chap. Also, please forgive all the spelling and other stupid errors that are in this chap, I am to hyper to proofread, and it's also 11: 55 P.M.:) . 

To**: SoniaM2005:** Hey there! Your story was so great!Anyway, I am way too hyper right now, so cutting to the chase : Thanks for the nice review! Glad you think the story's funny. Yeah, hahaha, the update comment was so hillarious, your story was marvelous, hope it was fun to write!

To: **GerrysISUChick04**: Hello! Glad you liked a ditzy Christine! Thanks for reviewing, here's your update. Hope it's funny :)

To: **Reltistic**: Hey! Glad Chap. 3 was funny. Hope you like this chap! Thanks for the review! And sorry if I disturbed you too much ;)I LOVE your latest story! It is so hillarious! PLEASE update soon!

To:**Kitsune Blade**: Okayyyyyy, anyway, here's your update! Hope you like it!

To:**jeevesandwooster**: Happy to see you like the story so much! Your reviews are so great! Keep 'em coming! Hope you like this chap!

To: **MouetteHeartsErik**: Thanks for the review! And thanks for the compliment about Christine, though I'm not exactly sure what you said about her, because big words make my brain hurt:) Hope you like this chap!

To:**erikphan24601**:Thanks for the review! Hope this chapters just as funny!

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Disclaimer: OK, I've gotten several nasty notes and phone calls from ALW about claiming to own POTO, so here it goes : Don't own it, never have, never will. There, are you happy _now _ALW?

* * *

Raoul sat alone in the lair, his feet up on a table and leaning back into his chair. "God, this will be so sweet! 24/7 access to all the football, Phantom-y stuff and naked ballet girls I want" he said, chuckling. Unfortunately, he was so busy imaging himself as the Phantom, he leaned back waaayyy to far in the chair, and fell backwards onto the floor. "Ahhhh! That hurt! O.K., where's the Phantom keep his first-aid kit, cause I got a really bad boo-boo!" 

After about ten minutes, Raoul realized that there was no first aid kit. He sat down, and realized his "boo-boo" was a slight cut that wasn't even bleeding. He then found the mask and the cape. "Oh, I guess I'm supposed to put these on" He fastened the cape around his neck, and was beginning to put the mask on, when he realized something important. "Oh no! If I were this, I have to cover half of my adorable face! I'd be denying the world my beauty!" Then, he remembered wearing the mask was required of The Phantom of the Opera, and if he wanted to win this bet, he had to wear it. Fighting back tears, he heaved a sigh, and said "Sorry face" He began to put it on, but it wouldn't fit. "What the hell?" Then Raoul realized he had it on upside down, with the eye and nose holes at the bottom of his face. "Hey, my face isn't shaped this way ! What kind of freaky face does the Phantom have?" He tried again, this time putting the mask horizontally across his face. That wouldn't fit either. Finally, on the third try, he got it right. "Ahh, that's better! Now I need to see my reflection and check on how I look"

Raoul walked all around the lair, searching for a mirror. When that didn't work, he tried calling to it "Mirror! Oh mirror, where are you? Come here mirror! Good mirror, come out, come out wherever you are! O.K., ally ally oxen free! COME OUT YOU STINKIN' MIRROR!" Raoul was beginning to get worried. He ran all around the lair, screaming like an idiot "WHERE'S THE MIRROR?" He then ripped the entire lair apart. He pulled out and searched in every drawer, threw all sorts of covers off of things, and pushed all the sheet music off the organ, into the lake. He paused for a moment. "Oh godammit , I'm a dead man" So, Raoul pulled all the music out of the lake, and shoved it back onto the organ, trying to fan them dry. After that was accomplished, Raoul continued searching for a mirror. Eventually, he realized that, tragically, there wasn't a mirror in the lair. He didn't know how to deal with this information, so he curled up into a fetal position, sucking his thumb, and rocking back and forth, saying repeatedly "Mirror, mirror. Where's the mirror? There's no mirror! I need a mirror. Somebody help me!"

After doing that for about ten minutes, Raoul sat up and got into a chair. "O.K., if there's no mirror, I'll just have to-ooh, shiny." Raoul noticed the antenna on the T.V. Set. He played with it, flinging it back and forth for a few minutes. Then, he realized something important " T.V.! Wow, I can watch all the football I want to!" He turned it on, and sat for four hours, watching two football games and some wrestling. By the third hour, he was drooling at the sight of a football game, something he hadn't seen in over a year, and by the four hour, he was hugging the T.V. set, stroking it while saying "Nice T.V. Nice sports, good sports. I love you sports." He was kissing the T.V. screen, when he realized he was hungry. So, he went over to a halfway, kitchen- like area to look for some food. He then realized, he couldn't find any. Just when he was going to gnaw the leg off of the table, he found a note on top. "Hey, maybe I could eat this" Fortunately, the fop looked at it first

Idiot boy,

I know by now you're probably hungry. Even though I'd love to see you starve to death, that would mean there wouldn't be a fop around to pay me my one hundred francs when I win this bet. In case you're so dumb you haven't noticed, there isn't any food in the kitchen. Call take-out instead.

O.G.

"Hey, he called me mean names! Wait, what do 'idiot' and 'dumb' mean?" Raoul exclaimed. After re-reading the note several times, Raoul figured out that he had to call a fast-food joint for some food. So he did, which ended in disastrous results.

"Hello, Pizza Hut? Yeah, I'm starving, and I need some food. I want one large stuffed crust pizza, with cheese, pepperoni and mushrooms. Delivery please. Address? I dunna know. Somewhere way underground in a Phantom's lair way beneath the Paris Opera House. What do ya mean, exact address? I don't know my address! Quit giggling! I don't think this place has an address. Yes, I'm sure it doesn't have an address. Wait, let me check.Nope, don't have an address. Stop laughing!Whatdaya mean 'we can't deliver without an exact street address'? I'm starving here! Well, fine! I don't want pizza anyway. You people are mean!" Raoul slammed down the phone. After about five more calls to other fast food places that sounded extremely similar to the above one, Raoul gave up and finally found some crackers in his pocket, gave up and ate those.

He then remembered it was his job as the Phantom to sneak around the Opera House and be ghost-like. He decided he was going to give it a try. "But first, I need to give my face a healthy moisturized glow. Now, where's Mr. Opera Ghost keep his makeup?" Once again, Raoul walked a bit around the lair, looking for mosturizer.After five minutes, he was looking all over the place, and was slightly concerned. By ten minutes, he was panicking, throwing everything on the floor, screaming "MOSTURIZER! CONCEALERS!WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED MY MAKEUP!" Twenty minutes later, he was once again in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, and rolling back and forth, muttering to himself like a crazy person "It's okay Raoul. Control yourself. There must be some makeup _somewhere_. The Phantom can't _not_ own makeup! It's not possible. It's okay. I don't _need_ makeup! I don't need face cleansers and cover ups! I'll make it! Only sixteen more concealer makeup-less hours to go. I can do it!" he said, then burst into tears and screamed "I CAN'T DO IT!"

After twenty more minutes of crying, sobbing, and screaming, Raoul resigned himself to the fact that, for once in his life, he was going to appear in public without any makeup. He got the boat, unlocked the lake's gate, and was beginning to push the boat away from shore with the stick thing while muttering to himself comfortingly" I know, Raoul. It's o.k. It's only for a little while. Besides, no one will know it's you. You're the Phantom of the Opera. Yeah... Yeah! **I AM THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA**!"

Unfortunately, Raoul got so distracted with his little motivational speech there, he didn't realize how much he was rocking the boat, until he lost control of the stick thing, and toppled off the boat into the water. He came up, spitting out water, and gasping for air while yelling like a moron" Help! Help me! I can't swim! I'm gonna drown! I can't swim! Help me, someone, please. I'm so cold. I can't go on! I can't feel my body. For the love of God, somebody please, SAVE ME!" he finished dramatically, until he realized the water was only about four feet deep, and he could walk to shore. He also remembered what Erik said about the lake being the-well, you all know what-, and immediately ran into the bedroom, flung off his suit and cape, and screamed "Ewww! Grossss! My god, I was drowning in the Phantom of the Opera's toilet!" Twenty minutes later, Raoul had changed into another suit, but he was deeply upset. "My god, all that Phantom owns is black! Black, black, black! Jeeez, he really needs some color in his wardrobe. Maybe pink. Or tie-dye."

Finally, Raoul made it upstairs. Unfortunately, he got lost in all the confusing secret passage ways, and decided to ditch them, and walk out in the open, where everyone else was. Five minutes later, he was running from an angry mob and about fifteen Phantom fan girls trying to rip off his mask and/or clothing to sell them on Ebay. He eventually got tackled by them, but mysteriously disappeared and made his way back into a secret tunnel, escaping the mob, and the Phantom fan girls, who unfortunately made off with a ripped piece of fabric from his cape, and one of his shoes. Five minutes later, he found what he was looking for. "Ahh-ha! The two way mirror into the Ballet brats dressing room!"

Raoul (amazingly, for his intelligence level) figured out how to work the two way switch, and sat for an hour, watching numerous skinny, hot ballet girls changing clothes. He feasted on the sight of some of them in skimpy little dancing girl's costumes, and practically passed out when two of them, including Meg Giry, got completely nude.

Unfortunately, he was so distracted by their beauty, he accidentally pulled down the lever all the way, allowing him to see the ballet girls, and now allowing the ballet girls to (unknown to him then) see him. Making things worse, he muttered "God, those girls are hot. Specially Meg Giry" Two seconds later, one looked over and screamed "Some pervert's watching us through the mirror!"

"Really?" one asked, looking Raoul's direction, and starting to perform a stripper routine, peeling off her undergarments. Meg Giry screamed "He's here! The Phantom of the Opera! And he's watching us change!" The girls all hastily grabbed something to cover themselves with, much to Raoul's disappointment. He then realized that they could see him.

At that moment, Mme. Giry came rushing in, her ballet cane in hand "Girls! What on earth's wrong? Why are you screaming bloody murder in here?"

Meg spoke up" Mother, the Phantom of the Opera's watching us change clothes through the mirror! And he said I'm hot!"

Mme. Giry instantly turned around to face the mirror "WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY BALLET GIRLS NAKED?" she screamed. Raoul turned to run, but Mme. Giry opened up the mirror, ran after him, caught him, and started beating on him with her cane. "Stop! Please Mme. Giry, stop! Ahh, the pain! O.k., I'm sorry for spying on your girls naked, especially Meg, but God, she was hot!" which only caused Mme. Giry to cane him harder, and make Raoul scream like a girl. By now, a few of the ballet girls had dressed and were giggling uncontrollably at the sight of Mme. Giry caning the Opera Ghost and making him scream like a girl.

Eventually, Mme. Giry shooed all the ballet brats out of the passageway, sealed it up, and dragged Raoul by the ear back to her dressing room.

"Vicomte!" she growled "This better not be about that damn bet again!"

"Well, it kinda is. But you can't imagine the horrible day I've been through!"

"Try me"

"Well, first I had to cover my face with a mask, which is pathetic, because I'm the cute guy in this story. The phantom didn't have any mirrors, so I just about had a mental breakdown. Can you believe that? He doesn't want to look at himself"

"Well, no shit Sherlock, he's deformed."

"Anyway" Raoul continued, unaware he'd just been insulted " then I watched T.V. for a while, then I got hungry, so I tried to order a pizza, but the mean guy on the phone wouldn't deliver one to me cause the Phantom's lair doesn't have an exact street address. So, I survived by eating some crackers. After that, I decided to sneak around like the Phantom. But guess what? The Phantom doesn't own any moisturizers or con-con-concealers" Raoul's lower lip began trembling, and he fought back some tears.

Mme. Giry sighed "Can we get on with this?"

"Anyway, for the first time in my whole entire life, I left the house without any makeup"

"Poor baby" Mme. Giry sarcastically remarked

"Yeah, I know. So then, I was starting to leave, when I rocked the boat and fell into the lake. Then, I had to change my clothes. Would ya believe all the Phantom has to wear is black suits? All dark, no colors."

"Gee, maybe it's because he wants to blend in when he's STALKING IN THE SHADOWS!

"Whoa! You don't need to get sarcastic on me here. I was just saying. Anyway, so then I got lost in the secret passageways, walked out, got attacked by a mob, and watched ballet girls through the mirror."

Madame Giry stared at him threateningly "For how long?"

"'Bout a hour."

"WHAT?" she said, and instantly grabbed her cane and raised it up towards him

"Uh, I MEAN FIVE MINUTES!"

Mme. Giry sat back down and sighed "Well, that's good. I never knew that mirror was a two way. I'll have to seal it off"

"The Phantom won't like that"

Mme. Giry stared at him inquisitively "How do you know that?"

"He watches the girls through it. He's the one that told me it's there. Oops"

Once again, Mme. Giry raised the cane "I'm going to wring your neck and the Phantom's, after I cane you both for watching my daughter naked!"

"But she's a babe"

Needless to say, Raoul spent an anguishing fifteen minutes getting the tar beat out of him with Mme. Giry's cane. Raoul left the dressing room, moaning, while Mme. Giry cheerfully called "Come visit again some time!"

Well, Raoul spent about two hours wandering around the secret passageways, trying not to get lost. He finally found a tunnel that led to the rafters above the stage. He looked down, before he remembered he was scarred of heights. There was a rehearsal for the opera's latest production going on, and luckily, some costume covered with sequins on the stage distracted him and made him forget about being afraid. "Oh no! That costume totally doesn't go with her skin tone! What a mess!" Raoul walked up and down the rafters a bit, until he found a megaphone." Ooh, this must be what the Phantom uses to make his voice all big and boomy and scary. I wanna try"

Raoul turned it on, causing a horrid feedback that lasted for about five minutes. Then, when everyone was looking at him, he said through the megaphone "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? Thank you. Ahemm, I am the Phantom of the Opera! Behold my scary, ghostly powers and un-moisturized face and tremble! I'm your worst nightmare! Beware!" with that, Raoul dropped the megaphone, and tried swishing his cape really mysteriously, like the Phantom does. Only Raoul, (being the idiot he is) pulled the cape up way too high, and pulled it up over his eyes, causing his head to get tangled in the cape. He wildly tried to free himself, running all over the rafters screaming " HELP! MY FACE IS TRAPPED! I CAN'T ESCAPE! I CAN'T SEE! EVERYTHING'S DARK! OH MY GOD, AM I BLIND? HELP ME!" While Raoul was running around wildly, he stumbled, and tripped, falling off the rafters, and fell face first onto the ground. He pulled off the cape. "Oh my god! My face! Is it okay? Did I ruin it!"

Everyone stared in amazement at the Opera Ghost, fallen in a heap on the floor, worrying about his face. Madame Giry slapped her forehead and muttered to herself "Great going Raoul. Way to protect Erik's rep"

After everyone got over the shock, Raoul realized what he had done, and took off running. But, everyone quickly caught up with him, and mobbed him. Some of the male performers tried to beat him up, but Raoul was mercifully spared a major beating by about twenty-five screaming Phantom fan girls who threw themselves around him, then tried to rip his clothes off, kiss him, or beg him to marry them. When he finally escaped them, his exit was cut off by about ten ballet girls who slapped him and spit on him, because wanted revenge for him watching them change through the two way mirror.

So, as Raoul trudged into the lair, he looked for a bed to throw himself on. "I guess I'll have to sleep on that weird red, black, swan bed thing" So, he laid down on it, and tried to get comfortable, which he soon found out was impossible. He couldn't find a position that didn't either

A) Jam his spine into the hard back

B) Conk his head on the swan's head

C) Cramp his legsor

D) All of the above.

Finally, Raoul just decided to sleep on the floor, muttering angrily to himself "God! How's a guy supposed to sleep on that thing! Now I know why he only puts uncurious, swooning girlson it, 'cause they can't feel anything!" He eventually fell asleep, knowing he only had to hold out 'til eleven A.M. tomorrow. Then the torture would finally be over.


	5. Chapter 5

The Grass is Always Greener

Chapter 5: The Winner and the Loser

A/N: Hey guys and gals! Thank you SO much for the nice reviews about chapter 3 and 4! Love 'em! But, I'm very time pressed right now, and I'm too lazy too write reviewer responses, so a big thank you to everyone who reviewed, hope you like this chap, and hope you enjoyed reading this story.Unfortunatley, this is the last chapter, and you guys will finallyget to see who wins! Yayy! I'm extremley hyper right now! Anyway, enjoy, and please review!

P.S. In case anybody cared about the_ Titanic_ refernce (since no one bothered to point it out) it was when Raoul fell in the lake and was screaming something like "I'm so cold, can't feel my body" e.t.c. Just wanted to point it out.

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Erik awoke to an extremely annoying alarm clock that kept playing the _Gilligan's Island_ theme song.. "Ooh, God, my head! The pain! Turn it off!"

Christine came stomping in "Get your lazy ass up! It's eight A.M.!"

Erik looked at her oddly "You always get up this early? Are you nuts?" Erik then realized he'd made a mistake, and Christine had another mood swing.

"Oh, so now I'm crazy because I like to get up early! For your information, I let you sleep in 'cause you're a guest! Raoul and I get up at six! Not all of us just like to lounge around a lair all damn day and sing! Come on, we've got stuff to do!"

"Christine, I'm only here for three more hours. What could you possibly do?"

Christine looked at him stupidly "I don't know. Wanna watch a Carebear movie?

"No"

" Wanna play Bingo? Or Go fish?"

"No, and no"

" Bake a triple layer chocolate fudge cake with icing?"

"No. Wait, why do you wanna eat cake when you were having a fit yesterday over being fat?"

She sat down on the bed "Great! Now you're saying I am fat! I thought you're always obsessing over my 'slender, womanly figure'! What the hell happened to that? Huh Mr. Big Mouth?"

"O.K., Christine, I don't really care what you do"

" God! Now you don't even care about me! I can't believe-"

Erik put his hand over her mouth, mercifully ending the conversation "Christine, I got an idea"

"What?"

"We could make love?"

Christine got a lusty look in her eyes "Okay." She pushed him back down onto the bed, and began stoking his hair, and kissed him. And kissed him again, fanning a flame of desire. Erik rolled over on her, and began taking off her nightgown.

She pushed him up off of her and stood up "What the hell are you doing?"

"I thought you wanted to make love"

Christine scoffed "Not that kind of making love! I just thought you wanted to kiss me! Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No! I mean, YES!"

Christine slapped him "I'm married, you sicko! Now, come on, get dressed! I wanna get going!"

Erik stood up, and went behind a changing screen, getting dressed "Going where?"

"To the once-a-month marriage seminar."

"I'm not your husband! That's Raoul's department!"

Christine put her hands on her hips "Don't care! You're going with me!"

Erik emerged, wearing his normal black suit and cape " No way" he said

"Yes way. And you're not wearing that. Today, we're both wearing pink matching outfits!" she squealed happily

Erik had it. He sank to his knees, and screamed "NOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Raoul was sitting in the lair, doing a crossword puzzle. He had forgotten about the moisturizer, no mirror problem momentarily. But, he was counting the minutes until eleven A.M. He didn't know how much longer he could hold out. It was tough.

"Okay, let's see, I need a six letter word for an object used to look at one's reflection. Hmmm, ahhh, oh no A MIRROR! NOOO! I need a mirror! I can't take it anymore!"

And with that, Raoul began beating his head off the table. "That's it! I don't care if I lose this bet! I can't take this anymore! I need my makeup! And mirrors! I even miss my annoying, crazy wife!"

Raoul stood up andran through the lake, taking off the mask and cape. He began running through the stables, and smacked straight into someone. He looked up, and saw it was Erik, dragging Christine along with him.

"Phantom!"

"Oh, for God's sake Raoul, I have a name! It's Erik!"

"Oh, okay. Erik!"

"Raoul! What the-"

"Listen, Erik, I don't care what you say but-"

"I know this is going to sound so stupid but-"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" they both screamed at each other at the same time

"Your wife is nuts! It was like hell! I don't care if I lose this bet!"

"You must be nuts! There isn't a single mirror or moisturizer in your lair!"

They both stared at each other "So, who wins the bet?" Erik asked

"Well" Christine said, breaking her way in between the two guys "The bet was whomever lasted the longest amount of time in a day in each other's lifestyles was the winner. And the winner was paid one hundred francs from the loser, right?"

Both the guys nodded in agreement "So" she continued " Then neither of you guys won"

"WHAT!" they both shouted

"You heard me. Neither of you won. The bet was who could last the longest amount of time in a day. Well, the longest amount of time in a day is 24 hours. And you guys " she said, looking at her watch "Both lasted 23 hours and fifty-eight, no, now it's fifty-nine minutes"

Both the men looked at each other "One more stupid minute" said Raoul

"One more damn minute and I would have been one hundred francs richer"

"Well," Christine said "since both of you guys lost, you both have to pay the other one hundred francs"

They both looked outraged at this

"Or" Christine said "You could go back and spend another day in each other's lifestyle 'til someone wins"

Erik and Raoul both looked at each other and whipped out their wallets. They both made checks for one hundred francs paid to the other person. After that had been done, Erik grabbed Christine by the shoulders and shoved her at Raoul.

"Here's your wife back!"

"Here's your mask and cape back!"

They both took off running. Raoul picked Christine up, and started running to catch a taxi while screaming "Thank god it's over! Mirrors! Makeup! I don't have to hide my pretty face behind a mask anymore!"

"Ahemm" Christine loudly cleared her throat and looked at Raoul expectantly

"And, of course, I missed you honey. I'm glad I don't have to be away from you anymore"

Christine smiled " Nice save, Raoul-Raoul"

Meanwhile, Erik ran back into the lair screaming "Yess! Sweet solitude and loneliness! No crazy, overemotional wife to drive me insane! I couldn't take it if I really was married to her! Thank goodness things ended up the way they did! I'm finally all alone in tortuous isolation from the rest of humanity! Thank you God!" he wept.

Well, even after the bet was over, Erik and Raoul still hung out together, and eventually became friends. Christine loved it, but most of the time when she hung around them, she was very annoying and nagging, so she wasn't included in most of Erik's and Raoul's plans. Finally, they worked out a plan. Twice a week, they told her they went bowling, but they really went to Erik's lair to watch football games, drink beer, play poker, complain about their lives and problems and just do guy stuff. It worked out marvelously for about a year (until Christine came into the lair one day and found out what they were _really_ doing, but that's another story all together;)

THE END

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**A/N** Well, it's over! Surprised ya, didn't I? ;) Hope you liked my first attempt at a funny Phantom fanfic, and hope you liked the ending! **PLEASE REVIEW!** Thanks for reading! 


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